apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
