So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize