batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Randomize