so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
