im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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