eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize