Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
