Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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