New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
