I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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