Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize