I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
