dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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