can we get nightvision for the apartment?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
