dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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