I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
