Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
