Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
