You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
