After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
