I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize