I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
