i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Is Oprah even human
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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