did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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