no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
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