see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
