Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
