LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
