She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize