I could make wine with my vomit
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
