I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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