the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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