Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
