Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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