my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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