New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
