I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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