i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
