i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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