Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
