We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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