all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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