if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
