There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Operation Purity has been aborted
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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