You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
