I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
