Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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