I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
