Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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