U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
