Just fell off a train. Bad.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
