ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
