I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
