Soap is not a condiment
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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