the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
