I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
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