I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
