be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
