Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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