I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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